Saturday, April 30, 2011

The Deep Dive!

"Are you able to hear me? Breathe, common!" were the first words I heard as I regorged water from my mouth.'Are you alright now?', I replied in affirmative even though I wasn't fine perfectly and I asked why is it so dark around. The sinewy guy told it's 4.00 am and had he not dragged me from the shore on time, I would have been gone,then.
        And he asked, 'Were you crazy and frantic that you jumped into river when you don't know how to swim?' I fumbled and said,'I just slipped while I was trying to stand on the edge of the cliff'. The guy said, 'So, you were trying to experience the feelings how it takes to be and all that weird sort of.....right?' No, I was just and he said, 'Whatever you were trying to do, don't mess up with your life. Go and take rest. I've to go now and sleep else it will be late for me in the morning' and he left. As he went, I was trying to recollect  how did I fell into to river. I paused for a moment and thought :
        It was the full moon night. The moon shone brightly giving it's whiteness to the waters and spreading purity around. I took a pebble and threw it in the river. Among the white-waters, a patch of emptiness got created and ripples was sent across. Hollowness - how can that be filled! It's been more than a year since she has left. This place, I think and gloominess fills the air. Every now and then, whenever I get time, I come to this place. It reminds me of everything. The time when we used to come over here, sit for long hours in perfect serene under the rays of moon at the top of the cliff, where the only sounds that comes to your ears was the waters - gulping and embracing each other and then hitting along the rocks. She used to lean on my shoulder and I used to hold her hand. We, both used to stare at the moon and she used to ask such petty and niggling questions that a fifth standard guy would give a bizarre look if asked to him. She used to ask, why the size of the moon reduces each day and then after a fortnight it comes back to its normal. And, as usual I used to tell something or the other plausible answer so that she gets convinced and I used to tell myself, thank God. I miss those moments. Every time I used to keep on blabbing this and that regarding something or the other like a fool and she used to tell, at least try being romantic sometimes. And I used to wonder, romantic - how to be that one. The place is so romantic and I used to tell, okey..okey, I'll try and quote a few quixotic lines from what I read or saw in the movies. It used to be such a difficult task, even tougher than solving a maths problem. In between, I used to keep looking at her.Whenever she used to find me staring at her, she used to tell look there and don't stare. And, I don't why I somehow used to make sure that one of my eyes was taking a glance of her and the other one used to make her feel as if I've stopped staring. Sometimes, she used to make feel jealous saying there is a guy in her neighborhood and he is so handsome, brawny and intelligent,too. And I used to tell, okey then, introduce me to that guy, I'll also see who is he (with an anger look) and she used to laugh at me, then. When you were here, it seems something was imprinted on me. For you, I could do anything and be anything..the very feeling was enough to surmount all the obstacles. You presence was enough the lift the drossy soul of mine. Alas! you are gone. And now, I don't like to live anymore. Just those memories remains. It appears as if someone have been created a big hole in my chest since u have left.  It was the best time that I ever had in my life. The time that I spend with you and when you were around. 
An year have passed and my eyes still search for her. May be she is here somewhere around the corner and would come to me and say, 'Hey you fool, don't flirt with me!'. And then she'll give a smile, of which I was completely smitten with. But, she was not there. I went closer to the edge of the cliff and tried to hear the gulping sounds of water and feel her presence. I thought may be the waters can sense her and allow me to feel her. And I let myself fall into the river. The water was so cold and it gave a shiver to me. I went deep inside and I saw her face. She looked so beautiful with the angelic smile. She was lying along with me deep down, holding my hands and saying I won't let you die and then she pulled me outside to the shore and I recalled everything what happened.
         I was alive but I thought it was better to die as it brings me closer to her rather than living in this way. The deep dive really brought me so close to her as if she was there!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

O thy Mother!

O mother, O thy mother, 
why you are not here!
When I need someone the most,
To prattle and to blabber
I look forward to you for your utmost care.
The days are stretched, the nights are long,
Hours appear like days with this life to pass-by
I feel tired, I feel wretched
But what can I do, what shall I do,
For the path I have chosen myself

To assuage n succor others may not be easy,
But still we encourage them to find their way
But, how do I console myself
With the hope, where I find none
I reckon, the world isn’t the place 
Meant for people like me
I am exhausted, I am weary
I need to rest, I need to sleep 
In your lap which abounds no fear
With the hope even if I die,
I know you'll be there,
Somewhere around my side!
O mother, O thy mother,
why you are not here!!!
O mother, O thy mother,
why you are not here!!!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Food for thought...

It's past midnight and here I begin the Good Friday with my best pal, my lapi. An object for some, a gadget for others but to me.. my best companion. Whatever time be it is, it will be there with me. I guess that's the way our life has become...a device not so important but yet so significant.
       It's raining like cats and dogs & pouring like foxes and wolves. The weather is so conducive for all the snoozers and slumberers. Wish I could be one of them, but not yet...Night, the perfect time where tranquility prevails over and our wandering mind are posed with questions whose answers lie somewhere else or may be with us, if we could think a step beyond. It's just been a year and a month since I came to this tech-city but it seems like I have been living here for years and having gained so many valuable experiences and insights on life. A city where I work, a city which has given me the space, a city where I met people whom I can never forget in my life, a city more than thousand miles from my place, which eludes me from my near & loved ones, but still I continue to do things, for how long...depends, that's a question we never think of!
                          Life, what is it and what we actually want from it. Is it the one we are living now that's life or there is something better than this or may be worse than this beyond our obvious? We don't know. There are numerous quotes which explicates life, depending on how the mortals of history found it. Have we ever given a thought to how we would like to have our life after a few years or decades or what are the things we would like to attain or who are the ones we would like to have along with us even after years. I guess, we don't think beyond our day-to-day activities and we rarely get time to mull over such a peanut thing.
                                We go out to work every day, spend half of our day just working and continue doing so for months or years & money keeps on getting credited to our accounts. Each one of us fancy to drive that car racing down the lanes, possess the house that one dreams of and live n enjoy life that only some people do. But, as years get subtracted from our lives, we realize that we haven’t accomplished even a part of what was our dream. We just kept on doing the things even though we were not happy. For whom we did those things...for our parents, may be.. For ourselves, may be.. For someone else, may be. We still don’t know. There are millions of people in this city like like that, who follow the same monotonous routinely modus Vivendi. I guess that’s what job give to us and take from us - The life we want to live our way.
                                           At the end of the day, how many of us feel happy and satisfied with the things we have done, how many of us live with the regret I wouldn't have done that or treated that thing in that way or how many us feel if I would have dropped my ego for that moment he/she would still be my friend or wish I could achieved that. Many of them.
If I turn back and take a look at the pages of my life that I have spent, I find there are many things which I didn't want, there are things which I wanted more and some things, which I couldn't get. There are people whom I would like to be along with me and some don’t. I know I can't revert back those things. Sometimes, I think do we get what we deserve or were it destined to happen with me. I don't know the answer for it and will never be able to find out. Yes, but there are a few things which I can still do and is in my hands. At the end of the day, I want to achieve a few things that I always dream of and be surrounded by my loved ones and family & of course, friends, who have been there with me and who knows me more than anyone else, apart from my family. Family ought to be taken care of but friends are the ones whom we have chosen and we would like to have them amongst all times, be it bad or good so that they can remind us and help us to keep moving forward in those difficult times and laugh & enjoy with us in the good times. And it is for these friends and family, which I would cherish to have throughout my life.
        Life is a race, a rat-race. If you walk slowly, you will be left behind and if you run too fast, you may get trampled. Walk prudently & locomote wisely , but not alone for when you reach at the mountain peak, there should be someone along with you to celebrate your triumph & commemorate your Victory!!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Free Soul

Depressed & dejected I walked into my room,
Another day passed-by, another day went
Numb was I, with cloud of thoughts
Gloominess filled the air with a tinge of mist
Defeat & disappointment never left me unattended,
Still, I kept going for these many days
Without a sign of anguish n distress on my face
But, the forlorn look I bore was no more there today
As if I was freed and emancipated from them,
the sign of joy & happiness embraced me after so long
But, as I entered the room I saw my mother in torment
People were crying n wailing yet I was happy,
I couldn't understand why n I walked a bit further
Someone was sleeping amidst of all
But as I looked down, I was stunned n stupefied,
For I saw a dead body and found the face of mine.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Discussion with the 'Lover' Beau...

The whole night I kept pondering over the thoughts of the seemingly Old Man. I thought the owner of such a big company but still he longs for something which his revenues can't buy. How awkward life is! We run after something but the something keeps running away from you.This time, I was interested to meet him again so as I can ask some of my doubts. As usual, I left my office at the same time hoping to find the Old Man. But I didn't. I thought was he lying that he comes everyday at this very place and that,too everyday.I came for five days since last week but there was no signs of that man. I was almost confirmed that he was a beguiler. But that very day, when I left my office a bit early, I met the seemingly old 'lover' Man. On seeing me, the man giggled.

Old Man: So, you have been looking for me,right?
Me: Yes, but how did you know?
Old Man: I knew, young chap you'll come looking for me. You would have thought whatever I told was a made-up story as you couldn't find me.Right?
Me: (in a stammering tone) No,it wasn't like that. I thought you might have become busy.
Old Man: Son, however busy I might be. I'll always have time for my loved ones and have never missed to come to this place ever since the last decade. How can I forget now!
Me: Well, I wanted to know a few things from you. I would like to have your opinion on them.
Old Man: Yeah,sure. Throw at me but I am running short of time, today. Is it related to financial problems or the young-age syndrome?
Me: You are partially right,but I suffer from both.
Old Man: That's better and evenly balanced. 
(And, he laughed after that for which I felt so annoyed)
Me: Evenly balanced and how can problems be better! They trouble us leading nowhere and put us in a intractable zone.
Old Man: Well, son. It's the way you look at things. Might sound easy to say, but every problem put forth to humans have a solution to it. It may not appear or rather, you'll find a way out then but you got to have the belief in yourself and find a way out or else HE'll help you out.
Me: Achha, had your HE been so grateful, HE wouldn't have posed the problems to us at the very instant! First create problems and then ask HIM to help us out. Isn't it weird!
Old Man: Son,we,humans, are like that only. We create pits for our own fall and then we pray to HIM to save us. But, it is HE who give us the courage to stand in those difficult times. In life, nothing comes easily. The best things are fought and achieved. Had we not faced troubles, we wouldn't have realized the true worth of those valuable things. Life is about fighting and not giving up things,easily. Your patience, anger,love and everything will be put to test. It's these times that makes you strong. You have to sustain these and believe that you'll win in the next moment and keep going ahead. And tough times never last for long.
Me: That's true. But when everything starts going wrong, how do we muster up courage and believe that everything will be alright?
Old Man: That's where the true test lies of an individual.Hope is a very big word,much more impactful than what does it signify, for mankind survives on hope. You have to keep it going as most people give up when they does not realize how close you are the edge of accomplishing it.So,inspire yourself and hearten up. Don't lose hope. In the words of Keats, I'll quote a few lines on hope from one of his poems,

"Whene'er the fate of those I hold most dear
 Tells to my fearful breast a tale of sorrow,
 O bright-eyed Hope, my morbidfancy cheer;
 Let me awhile thy sweetest comforts borrow:
 Thy heaven-born radiance around me shed,
 And wave thy silver pinions o'er my head!" 

Me: Ohh..Okey, I can try and go ahead but my heart contradicts every time whenever I get stuck up as my mind refuses to acknowledge the fact that I can or will go through. What do I do then?
Old Man: You have to keep telling your heart that there ought to be a way out and you'll get it through. Your mind just shows the possibilities but it's your heart which decides which direction to go and leads to your goal. Keep going and never ever give up. Remember, the quote, "It's the attitude, not your aptitude that will determine your altitude". Will catch you some other day with rest of your queries. 
Me: Thanks a lot for your time. Will definitely catch you some other day!

Wish I had....

Wish I had the wings of a bird,
I could fly and soar across the sky
Travel to places where I long to be there,
Bring down the people whom I want to be here.

Wish I had power to sway your intellect,
I could have convinced you about my thoughts
Filled with positivity and hope all around,
With the belief that makes you happy & gay.

Wish I had the power to read your mind,
I could go n flip through the pages of your brain
Wipe out all the agonies that torment you,
Replete with images that brings smile on your face.

Wish I had the mightiness of GOD,
I would have reverted back things in my favor,
Would have gone to the place where one dreams of,
Taking along with my dear & loved ones,
To the Utopian world where we are only there,
And where things go by our decree n discretion!
Wish I had...

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Fatigued but still Insomniac-ness....

It's 3.00 am & I'm still awake,Surprisingly. My room mates have slept long time back and finally, I have to turn on my lapi. I'm tired but still not sleepy. It's been more than three hours since I have been trying but I don't know when I'll sleep and I'll wake up. What to do.. I need to speak up, talk but with whom...there can be no other way form than writing to express your thoughts irrespective of what you write or whether it is read by others. I was trying to unravel the mystery how our body works. 
    If you get tired,then but wait.. First, analyze whether you are mentally or physically exhausted. If both, then sleep is the best remedy for it. But what if you cannot put yourself in the sleep mode. We humans are very adept at arriving at a conclusion in an interval of time without analyzing the impact of it. How will our body behave and brain work if one doesn't sleep for a day. Obviously, it affects the performance but the effect can be regulated depending how does one's body responds. It's just about adaptability, which we humans, are good at. Suppose you work for a continuous period of five hours without any breaks, do you get tired mentally...The answer may be yes if you get stuck up somewhere but if it goes smoothly, you just gets carried away in the flow without any hassles and time flies away like minutes. 
Considering the same scenario, if I close my eyes and try to sleep for an hour and then wake up but, falsely tell to my brain that I have been sleeping for the last six hours and doesn't feel any tiredness, my brain will tend to believe that I have, indeed, slept for six hours. But, the moment I try to bring the emotions connectivity into the play, I cannot lure the brain then.That means, I can try to fool my brain but not my heart that fiddles with the EMOTIONS. What a designing aspect and Creation of GOD!!
Brain perceives tiredness but heart senses afresh.
Brain knows you are not there, but the heart feels you are here... Amazing, hain na! :)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I like that guy/gal , so what's the wrong in it?

Sometimes, I used to marvel at the fact when a guy used to say I like that guy or a girl used to say that girl is really very cool. But, now my opinion and thoughts have really gone a sea-change. It's no hard-fast rule that a guy ought to like a girl or can't fall in love with a guy. Homophiles are there and were there since ages. It's just that now they openly declare and want their share of rights. It's no harm in doing that as everyone has got the right to do so in expressing their voices. People call them gays or lesbians. In this billion population, it is possible that one might fall in love with a person of the same sex. Whatever people may say or think but who cares, when people are in love that's the only thing that bothers them. To them, it is the other person that matters the most. A quote goes like this, "To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world". When you are in love, the world gets divided into two parts, with the person you love on one side and the rest on the other side.
There are some advantages, which I find, in falling in love with a person of same gender, are:
a. You know the thought-process of the person a bit more compared to the person of the opposite sex
b. You have better understanding and share good chemistry as there are lesser if's n but's what you would face in other relationships
c.Less problems, good rapport and less day-to-day khich khich compared to the so-called normal kinship.
d. Adjectives such as loyalty, trust, bonding gets better and in this case compared to so-called normal ones.
e. There are many others...(will update soon!)

Even, sometimes my eyes gets glued to some guys when I go to malls and wonder - - Vow, Such a handsome dude!...Wish, but he is with a gal, Uff!!!!
Yeh ladkiyan bhi na....:(

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Allegory of a heady 'Lover' beau...

As I walked down the street from my office, I saw a grotesque figure limping across the street with a stick in his hand. After covering a few steps,I found out that the a bearded man, with one leg injured, was waving and calling me. Firstly, I thought he must be asking for some money. But to my utter surprise, he just wanted to help him in crossing the road.I thought what's big deal.. it will take five minutes of mine. But,in between, whatever he told was really worth ruminating.. facts, he told some truths of life. The interlude between the old man(he seemed to be an old man though he wasn't) and me are as follows:
Old Man: God bless you, son!
Me: No probs,sir.
Old Man: So, u work nearby?
Me: (I thought why he is asking me this,but then I thought let it be) Yeah,a mile from here,I work in that company.
Old Man: Oh, that company. Actually, I have been waiting for almost half an hour to cross the road but not able to. I'm so much dependent on this stick but sometimes you need the one.. (And he gave a sigh as if what and contd..)
You seem to be in a pensive mood, walking very slowly. Work stress or something else...?
Me: (I thought, is he trying to gauge me and then will ask me for money) Nothing as such...just a bit tired.
Old Man: Young lad, I take your words. But it doesn't seem so.
(I don't know but why I continued the conversation)
Me: Well,the same problems or rather struggles of life - dissatisfied life.
Old Man: Do u have time, i mean ten or fifteen minutes?
Me: Yeah, but why?
Old Man: I would like to tell a story or rather experiences of my love life if you are interested in lending an ear to them.
Me: Hmmm... fine,(after hearing the word- love,I thought) I can wait for ten minutes.
And, he continued...
Old Man: When I was in my teens, I was the most sincere guy in my class. College came and went. I just studied without having any fun.Thereafter, I joined a BPO company and continued my boring monotonous job life. I earned barely enough for myself. But, the real story began here. 
                 I fell in love with a girl over here, in the same company. After months of courage, I somehow managed to speak to her & it was awesome to talk to her. I don't know what she felt initially, but she also used to reciprocate back. One day, after much thought, I expressed my love for her. She didn't buy my words,initially and told that as she was being nice to me doesn't mean that. But, I persisted somehow and proved my love for her. Gradually, I felt she also, liked me but at times her talks used to very different. But then, I thought,I should be happy with the fact I'm with my 'love'. Really, I used to feel how lucky I was ..Among the luckiest people of the world. I was in cloud nine & felt like something have been infused in me.
Things were going pretty fine.
But, fate had something else in store for me.She got a lucrative offer and she moved to other company. As time passed by, our meetings got reduced and so our talks. I used to get lot of idle time but the very thought of her's used to keep me engrossed. She got busy in her new work and used to call up sometimes. Through some sources, she came to know that I wasn't working aptly. I don't know but, her way of talking changed a bit gradually. She  started behaving in a weird way. I felt bad but then I thought she was behaving so that I start working properly & may be she isn't happy with her life,too. But she never used to discuss those things and used to pass on those things on being asked, keeping it to herself. At times, her work became so hectic that she used to call up after days and I used to wait for her call for hours and hours at night, thinking she might call. Sometimes I used to get frustrated & angry but then I used to pacify myself with the fact that we don't stop praying to GOD when he doesn't answer. Instead, we intensify our intensity so that someday HE might listen to them & would show us our path & would lead to our goal & Love of life. 
Slowly & slowly, she stopped calling regularly but my love for her never got reduced. I used to think if she loved me even for a moment of time, she'll surely come back to me and let me know what she has been undergoing. I waited for her that at least, as a friend she will turn up and share. She didn't. Alternatively, she started avoiding me. 
People say, longanimity is a virtue,which I didn't had then,but I thought God is testing my tenacity & I'll wait and see. One day I saw her in the bus and waved at her,too. But she was very happily listening to songs in her world and didn't bother to notice me. After few weeks,I tried to reach her so as listen to her voice, but she changed her number. I thought as friend she'll give me her number,she didn't.
I waited.. waited...waited for years. My life completely changed after that. I used to feel wretched and lonely, without having even a friend to share & discuss these things of life. Such a big world with a billion people and I was searching for only one. That's life!  I used to think of the talks that we had, the time we spend, the walks that I had with her ...All the very pleasant memories that I had with her gave me the inspiration to move ahead professionally. But at the core of my heart, I thought she might come back to me someday and I waited... 
                  And u know what,Patience paid off eventually. After a decade, I met her today at this place. She confessed she loved me at that time but she had her problems & priorities. She told all of them with what she was confronted then. I asked her why she didn't tell me then, to which she replied that would have made me more weak and unnecessarily troubled me. But I was very happy with the fact that she loved me then & was happy for her, now.(Though I had the regret, that why she wasn't with me) She was happily married to a nice guy & introduced me to her kid,too. (I got reminded of her talks which she used to say people will move on and she, indeed, did... but I simply couldn't) She asked about me and my whereabouts. I told I'm doing good (a lie which I told and covered with a smile) & also, told that it was her love that kept me going for these many years. A mile from here, I just own the company,a name which she might have heard. I used to come here everyday thinking I might see you someday. And finally, I did.
Indeed, Life is amazing. Remember, there are some things in life which are in our hands and some things in the hands of GOD. May be my destiny was such. Sometimes you have to look for your happiness in the happiness of others. 
You go & live your life but make it worth memorable whatever be it. Be it love for someone or your zeal for something. The world is waiting for those people, whose love inspires them. Go,ahead n create a mark. Thanks for your valuable time.Good Luck!

Me: (I was stupefied for a minute that I work in this gentleman's company). What Love can do..really wonders and miracles!!! :)

To be contd....